Let's be snarky

Let me begin by saying that I'm a snarky jerk.


I think most of you already knew that.


I just want this to be a full-disclosure website.

If judgmental snarkiness turns you off, if you don't have the stomach for it, I invite you now to close your browser, navigate to another page, do anything except read this post. Because I warn you right now, it's gonna get U-G-L-Y.



Our house hunt continues. The reason it continues and has not come to an end is that we have very, VERY specific ideas about what we want. I mean really REALLY specific. So specific that we decided to look into building. There are unique challenges that come with that project, which is a post in itself for another day.

While we search for land to build on and the like, I continue to look at homes for sale, just in case something that meets our very specific specifications comes on the market right at our price range, right in the neighborhoods we are interested in. Fat chance, right? Right.

Instead I have found more to be snarky about. Like this home, which seems like a bargain at $51 a square foot. This whopper of a home is nearly 7,000 square feet.

But it has a few leetle tiny flaws:

It needs some work. Like some wallpaper ripped out. Some carpet replaced. Some window treatments removed.

It's a little dated. The turquoise carpet is a dead giveaway.

Oh, and the rose carpet.

And the dark sea foam carpet.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that it has a "some" water damage. And "some" mold.

And checkered tile.

Oh, and hot pink doors.

And a colorful tile backsplash that looks like it's straight out of Super Mario Bros.

Also, I noticed three doors leading to the outside. Three doors that each look like "front" doors. (Seriously. Go back and count them.)

And a urinal.

Wait, what?

That's right a urinal.

Okay, so I know what some of you are thinking: These are all very fixable flaws. With the exception of the water damage, these are minor fixes. Put new carpet in here, retile there, paint, etc. It's all cosmetic. And having a urinal installed could be very convenient for the men in my life.

Some of you may be thinking that I am beyond a judgmental creep, and what did this house ever do to me that I am calling it out on the (stained-dirty-filthy) carpet.

Some of you may also think that I should just feel lucky to even be able to consider buying a home. I should feel lucky to have a place to live at all. I should feel blessed that I have the opportunity to be so picky.

All of those statements are true. And believe me, I do feel blessed. I want to keep my bless-ed state as in tact as possible. Which is why I am steering clear of homes with urinals. 

Gnomes part 2

So glad I could entertain with photos of homes. To be clear, the homes listed did not make the cut for us to actually go see in person. The orange carpet stopped us in our tracks. I understand that carpet can be changed, walls can be painted, wet bars can be ripped out, garage doors can be fixed and freaky glowing eyed dogs can even be sent to live with another family. I just don't want to do any of those things if I can avoid it.

So now that you know that I am a complete lazy bum, here's another gem I found for your consideration:

With this basement you can have a little bit of Vegas right in your own home! I can almost smell the cigarettes and spilled beer.

Gnomes on Homes

So you're probably wondering what do gnomes have to do with homes. In all honesty, nothing. It rhymed and I love catchy phrases. Especially when they make no sense.

Our house hunt continues. After a year of searching online, we finally gathered up the necessary courage to go look at a few houses. We only found one that we were really excited about, but sadly it was snatched up before we got to it. With good reason too: it was a lovely home. We will have to learn to be quicker, I suppose.

The idea of being quick on such a big decision is foreign to us. Six years ago when we bought a new car, it took us nearly a year of research and thought to finally go buy the car. We love it still, even all these years later, which is a testament to how careful we were in making our decision. But buying a home is a different animal. The factory will not just make you another perfect house in the perfect location. So, we are gearing up to pull the trigger when it's time to pull it. I'll let you know how that goes.

In the meantime, I have come across all kinds of interesting things in my online house hunting. I have discovered that weirdness, ugliness, and oldness comes at all price points. (I was afraid for a while that all we could afford were dives until I looked at houses in higher price ranges and came to the aforementioned conclusion).

You may be thinking, "What's so wrong with this picture?" Besides the blue tiled countertop, which is dated, but functional, the kicker for me is the glowing eyed creature in the background. Dog not included for $138/sqft.

For $61/sqft you can buy yourself this lovely newer home... with a plywood garage door? Couldn't be bothered with fixing that before you put the house on the market?

For $116/sqft you can have this busted garage door (oh, and the house behind it). Again with the "can't be bothered to fix stuff, need to sell mahouse," philosophy.

Then we have the all-too-common, all-too-popular wet bar, usually in the basement. Usually wood paneled. It's prevalent, as you are about to see.

 $87/sqft.

 $95/sqft.

 $115/sqft.

$129/sqft. It's perfect for entertaining!

Now I think this just might be my favorite:

A mossy pond in your entry is a sure fire way to say, "Welcome to my micro organism ridden home," and "Watch your step." All of this could be yours for $139/sqft.

Or, how about an entire home carpeted in marbled mauve low pile? Now with lavender painted walls! $89/sqft.

Or your could go with orange carpeting for $129/sqft.

If you find that cost-prohibitive, here is a lower priced orange carpet option at only $91/sqft.

Or if you are more interested in purple carpet, for $101/sqft this could be yours. (I actually really liked this home in all of its funkiness, except for the carpet, which would be a relatively easy change. Alas, this home is no longer on the market.)

Anyone up for a pink kitchen?

And lastly, here is some product placement for you. Wheat Thins and Kroger brand Grahams? Yes please. Oh, and the house could be yours for only $77/sqft.