Vitamin D

I'm just waiting for the Vitamin D and all the other drugs I'm on to kick in and give me an energy boost. In the meantime, I'm faking it until I make it.

I'm not very good at faking it.

Today I'm wearing these:


Jessica Simpson black square toe pumps. I bought them at Dillards about a year and a half ago. I've worn them so much that the name of the shoe has rubbed off and I don't remember what they are called, so sorry I don't have more details. I remember when I first got these shoes I thought they were far too tall for me to walk safely in, but I've gotten used to them.

Sorry the photo is so hideous. The shoes are black matte leather, not green brown shiny mystery fabric like they look in the photo. Stupid phone camera.

Dr. Grumpypants, MD

Several years ago, when I was searching for a doctor, I came across Dr. Grumpypants, only then he was known as Dr. Cool. TC and I both liked him. So I've been seeing him for the past several years.

Last week Dr. Grumpypants held my thyroid medication hostage (I have a lazy, under-active thyroid) until I let them take five vials of blood (my blood). So they took my blood, and I felt sick for the rest of the evening.

Any who, Dr. G's assistant, who calls me "Hon," called me hon on the phone several times while she told me that the Dr. wanted to talk to me about my results. Long story short: my lazy thyroid has gotten lazier and I need to increase my meds (could this be why I'm having trouble losing these ten or so pounds that won't come off, no matter how faithful to WW I am?), I'm anemic, and vitamin D deficient. The main symptom for all three problems: fatigue. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time.

The good news is that my problems are easily corrected with meds. The bad news is that now I'm taking so much stuff that I bought a daily pill organizer thingy. I feel old. The other good news is that Dr. Grumpypants was back to his old Dr. Cool self. It seems he likes me better when I have a chronic illness he can solve for me. He didn't go to four years of Grumpy Pants Medical School to be called mister.


On to shoes of the day. On Monday I wore these babies:

Steve Madden red peep toe pumps. We bought them a few years back from Nordstrom Rack. I love them!

On Tuesday, I spent the work day doing all sorts of manual labor, so I wore my flats all day. No photo. All that work wiped me out!

Today, I wore these:

Mudd brand pumps I bought at Sears several years ago. I only made it a few hours at work before the psychosomatic effect of knowing what was wrong with me, paired with the exhaustion from yesterday, took over and I had to come home to sleep. A long nap later, and I feel slightly less tired.

Back peddling

I've been thinking about this whole love/hate relationship I have with my life. Reading all of your responses to my last post has had me thinking for the past few days. Kim's comment that we all have brown patches on our grass is right on. Many of you (Brianne, Angela, Amy, Lenessa) pointed out that you write about the happier things on your blog in an effort to help yourself be more optimistic, focus on the positives, and not come across as a jerk. Great points!

I decided to look back at my own posts, and I realize that I am a hypocrite. I write about happy things the majority of the time. I write about trips we take (as though life is one great vacation, and as though we don't have to jump over any hurdles to get there), shoes I buy (as though my life is one long shopping trip), projects I complete (when I don't mention the great number of projects that I never see through to the end)... The things I write about here do not necessarily represent my real life, and it might make it all look more glamorous than it is.

But, on the flip side, who wants to read me drone on and on about how I came home from work discouraged, tired and cold? Or how annoyed I got that the World Series got in the way of watching my television shows? And what kind of person would my readers all think I was if I wrote about the "negatives" in my life which seem to outweigh the positives (as measured by my distorted perception)? And I'll be honest that I can't be completely honest on a blog that anyone could read. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone inadvertently. My blog is not a tool of destruction. (And on that note, I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone with my rants and strong opinions and such.)

So I filter my thoughts, our activities, and post the happier ones.

One other thought I have about this is that I know I'm blessed. I know I've been given many great things. And I know that I truly have little to complain about in my life. Logically, I know all this. When I take a step back and look at things objectively, do a little comparison of how things have been, of how things could be...

I find it difficult to look at my life objectively. I'm too vested in it. I'm too focused on making it better, that I forget to stop and say, "Yeah, it's pretty good."
So I'm going to work on that. This discussion has made me realize that I really do focus on the negative and that I have a lot to learn from my friends.

So, in conclusion, I'm a hypocrite. And I'm back peddling. And I love you all for your thought-provoking responses.

Shoes of the day will return soon.

I HATE MY LIFE!

I had a coworker who said random things that made me laugh even when she wasn't trying to be funny, like the time she got frustrated with the printer and yelled "I HATE MY LIFE." And then there was the time she exclaimed in frustration, "WHY am I so RETARDED?" Or the time she asked me if she should tell someone on the phone that he was S.O.L. Yeah, she made me laugh, but my favorite is "I HATE MY LIFE," maybe because there are times I think it, but I don't often say it loud enough for my coworkers to hear.

I've seen on other people's blogs things like "We're loving life," "Our adorable little children keep us on our toes," "We have been married for 5 blissful years," and "We enjoy every minute that life has to offer us." Is this optimism? Is it lies? Are these euphemisms for how they really feel? Or is it flat out the truth? I have a hard time believing that it is 100% the truth, because for me it's not. Generally, I think my life is good, and I know I'm blessed. But honestly, I don't always feel blessed. And honestly, I DON'T enjoy every minute life has to offer me.

So if I was to write a bio to match those super optimistic bloggers, here's my first crack (this was really hard since being so SO happy doesn't exactly come naturally to me):

"We are Gordita and TC, and we have been best friends and lovers for nine wonderfully blissful years. We have so much fun every day between our awesome jobs, going out with our super awesome friends, and experiencing what our fantastic lives have to offer. We haven't been blessed with little souls to raise yet, so there is an empty spot in our hearts and home. We hope to fill that void with small animals if the whole children thing doesn't work out. We love our life and enjoy every moment together. Nice nice nice. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. Bliss bliss bliss. The end."

Here's the reality:

"We are Gordita and TC, and we have been married for nine years, at least three of which were complete crap and we'd never wish to relive them again. We enjoy being married now. We enjoy fun, and would like to have more fun. We don't have children yet, and sometimes that sucks. We travel. We play video games. We watch too much TV. We tease each other a lot. We enjoy most of our time together. The end. Oh, and also, we don't really like small animals."

So I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. I don't 100% love my life, and I certainly don't 100% hate my life (although if you caught me on the wrong day, I might tell you otherwise).

What I wonder about those people who say they love their life is are they:
1. Optimists and truly do love their life?
2. Liars?
3. Want to put on a pretty face for the public?
4. Delusional?
5. Looking at the bigger picture and ignoring the small, less desirable details?

I'm cynical, I realize this. I have hope that someday I'll get to the point that I can look back on my life and say, "Yeah, it was pretty awesome." But I think it's unlikely that I'll ever have the perspective needed to look at my current circumstances and say, "Yeah, it's the best. I LOVE my life 100%." I do have HOPE that perhaps one day in the distant future, if I apply myself and work hard at it, I'll be that person. But if I ever become that person, I don't think I'll write on my blog about it. I just don't think I'll ever be THAT person.

What about you all? Do you love your life? Do you hate it? Are you somewhere in between? How do you feel when you read about other people's awesome lives? Do you feel envious when you read about my super awesome life and just wish you were me because of all the non-stop fun I have? *cough*

Limited vocab

Last night it was warm, so we slept with our window open. I enjoyed my sleep until around 2am a man with a very limited vocabulary began yelling. He said maybe a dozen different words, repeating them over the course of 30 minutes. His favorite words began with an F and a Y. There was something about a mother too...

At first I was irritated that he had interrupted my sleep. Then I was a bit frightened that maybe he would hurt someone. Then I began to feel sorry for him. He was obviously hurting. He yelled several times, "Why don't you just kill me?" He was in pain, emotional pain. And he was likely inebriated. His voice cracked, quivered. And I wanted to yell out of my window, "It's okay buddy. You're going to be alright."

But then I heard glass breaking and silence. TC said the police came and got the man.

I seriously debated calling the police. I rehearsed what I might say in my mind. But I had no idea where he was. I couldn't see him, I could only hear him. And because of the echo-y courtyard he could have been anywhere really. (Would you have called the Fuzz?)

That was a weird 30 minutes of my life. It almost seems like I dreamed it. But the fatigue that comes from interrupted sleep tells me otherwise.

On a different note, here are the shoes of the day:



These are BCBG Grido in purple suede. I LOVE these shoes (so much so that you've already seen them on the blog).