Prepare yourself. This is a post in which I reveal what a jerk I am. Because secretly, I'm a jerk. Maybe it's not much of a secret really. Okay, well I do TRY to hide it. And sometimes I'm even successful, at least I like to think I am. Well, this is a post in which the hiding is over, the cat's out of the bag, I'm going to spill the beans. Here goes...
Have you seen those signs you can buy at craft stores or fairs with sayings on them? Like the one above, or this one:
No offense but, (here comes the offensive part where I reveal my inner jerk and make fun of something that perhaps some of you love and find endearing) I think they're kind of cheesy. Like these, which you can buy here if you are interested:
So TC and I have a cynical sense of humor. When we see these sayings, we chuckle and then try to come up with our own.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away," could be changed to "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by how stinky our breath is."
Instead of "A house is made of brick and stone, a home is made of love alone," a more accurate sign (at least for this area of the country) would be, "A house is made of 2x4s and sheet rock, a home is made of love." I mean, who uses brick and stone?
In response to one that we saw at my sister's house (seriously no offense KL because your house is lovely, but this saying made me laugh, not at you, but at the saying which is just begging to be repurposed and morphed in so many different ways) that said, "Without teachers life would have no class," TC and I came up with the following:
- Without proctologists life would be a bummer.
- Without aerodynamics life would be a drag.
- Without drills life would be boring.
- Without doctors life would be sick.
- Without vacuums life wouldn't suck.
- Without manure life would just be crap.
- Without police officers life would be a riot.
- Without lithification from sediments, solidification from melt, precipitation out of saturated solutions, or metamorphosis from other rock types, life wouldn't rock.
So I completely understand that our substitutions don't always make sense, but come on, they made you laugh at least a little, right? At least you cracked a smile? You smirked? Something? Work with me people. Alright, I admit that on that last one we went too far. But come on...proctologists? Aerodynamics? I'm chuckling just reading my own writing.
Have you seen those signs that say, "All because two people fell in love"? Well, our usual substitute for that is something along the lines of "All because two people couldn't control their hormones."
Signs that say "Sit long, talk much, laugh often," are just begging to have the phrase "now get the h*&% out of my house," added.
Have you ever looked at those signs and thought of some cynical come back? Or is that just us?