I haven't kept to myself very well how dissatisfied I've been with my job. For the past year (longer really), I've been focused on all that I dislike about my job: the whole 8-5 thing, the stress, the do it now now now-ness, the make sure it's perfect perfect perfect-ness, the lack of opportunities for creativity, the fact that I've been there for seven years and it doesn't feel like progress... I even went so far as to set an arbitrary date (supposedly October) of when I would quit my job and forever after become a maintained princess whose only worry is what color she shall paint her nails each day. And in setting a date, I made it pretty public.
Well, as the date neared, I felt more and more uneasy about it. Deep down I knew it was the wrong thing, but still I persisted. And I refused to make this decision with guidance from God. Big decisions, and sometimes even small decisions, are generally made after prayer and contemplation. But this time I refused to go to God about it. I didn't want to hear the possible (more like probable) answer that randomly quitting my job was not the right thing for me or my family.
So I finally took the matter to God. I asked Him what He would have me do. And as you've probably guessed, the answer was to stay at my job indefinitely, and to focus on what I was doing there. To be honest, I've struggled with that answer. I KNOW it's what I need to do, but that doesn't make me WANT to do it. For the last several months I've been going to work unwillingly, kicking and screaming (not literally most days), even grudgingly.
Now that I've set myself up as a spoiled rotten brat and completely ungrateful, now comes the good part. The part that makes me feel insignificant and greatly significant all at the same time.
Despite my grudging, God has seen fit to bless me and sustain me in my work. It's been His way of showing me that He is mindful of me, even if He doesn't give me everything I want when I want it. How have I been sustained? Well, we're down one person at work, and a lot of her duties have fallen to me. And little miracles have happened that if I wasn't paying attention I might miss (and probably have missed quite a few of them). Like this: I work on a task, and usually it takes me say 30 minutes, and when I've completed it, it's like time hasn't passed at all, and I still have time for another task. I'm busy, crazy busy some days, but somehow everything that I need to do fits in my day.
Here's another one: I've been sick, fatigued, exhausted. And by all measures should have been entirely non-functioning. Somehow I've been able to find the energy I need to do my work. In fact, I hardly noticed how tired I was until it was pointed out to me by Dr. SometimesStinkyPants.
And here's another one: I feel blessed for doing what God wants me to do right now. It's an overall feeling of, "Keep it up little girl. I love you."
And this makes me feel significant, like who am I that God would love me so much? He really knows ME and my desires and my struggles and loves me. And I'm reminded of my insignificance that God is all powerful and all knowing, and me, silly Gordita who knows very little, am grudging when He asks me to do something.
So God is good. And I couldn't sleep this morning until I wrote it down. What's amazing to me is that I know He loves me a lot, and yet I know He loves all of you a lot too. I'm reminded of how much He loves you when I read your blogs, or get e-mails from you, or talk with you. I'm reminded of how much He loves you when I think of you. So there's another little miracle: His love is infinite.