Dearest co-worker that lets me know about the pumpkin bagels on the desk not 12 steps from my office,
Thank you for your kind thoughtfulness. Thank you for letting me know that there is food, when it is not yet lunchtime, and I've already had my morning snack, and I am starving. Thank you for asking me several times if I would like a bagel, and so helpfully offering to bring me one. You remind me of the dear co-worker yesterday who brought me two cookies, because he was concerned I would not get one, and then I had to smell snickerdoodle cinnamony goodness right under my nose until I finally gave in and ate it but was successfully able to save the other cookie for TC. Thank you for the complicating my battle with will-power by adding a measure of peer pressure. I have to fight myself to stay on track, as well as fight you, politely, smiling through my teeth, insisting that I would rather pass on the pumpkiny yummy smelling bagels and rich and creamy cream cheese when my stomach is growling and I'm feeling weak from lack of nourishment and ask myself why I try to have resolve to eat well in the first place, and can one bagel really do all that much harm, and it's just ONE bagel (plus a piece of candy from each co-worker, plus pretzels, plus all the delicious food at the cafeteria) and you insist that I should really try one because they are just fresh out of the oven, and the cream cheese is fresh, and there are plenty of bagels for everyone and when I explain that I am declining the bagel because I am trying to eat better you tell me that I don't need to lose weight, and that I'm being too hard on myself, and that I can develop an eating disorder when you really have no idea how much I weigh, or how many of my clothes I've grown out of in the last year (and I'm not getting any taller). I appreciate your kindness, your concern that I will miss out on the treats, your love for me that matches my apparent love for food and the flattery that you so generously bestow upon me. I am going to sit in my office and drink my ice water from my jumbo water cup and hope you will forget about me, and hope I will forget about the bagels, or at least resist until they have all been eaten. Thank you for loving me so much that you want me to enjoy too. You are too kind.
All the best,
Gordita (ever trying to be less gordita)